An infinite blessing for the mothers of this world!

 

A Reflection on Non-consensual Sex, Trauma, and Silence

When we experience a trauma, particularly an interpersonal one, we are often left without words to describe our experience. When our body boundary, our sense of self, is overtaken by another, our sympathetic nervous system automatically reacts into fight, flight, or freeze. As Peter Levine expresses so well, we can look to the animal kingdom to witness how, when fight or flight seems no longer possible, the only escape is to freeze or play dead. However, once danger/having been overtaken (or having been about to have been overtaken) passes, the animal’s body trembles and shakes and this serves as a release and a return to health and strength. When human beings freeze, they often dissociate emotionally as well. It is actually quite a masterful way of protecting oneself in the moment. However, without release and safe, coherent expression, the disequilibrium continues and builds on itself. It can be difficult to easefully access the feelings that were present at the moment of non-consensual sex (trauma) or to reflect with any sense of coherency after the fact. In addition, it has been shown over and over that there is a strong tendency to blame oneself for not running or fighting or speaking up in the moment (or if one did speak up, berating oneself for not having done so loud enough or clear enough to stop the offense—or, if after having been courageous enough to have shared what happened, to have been dismissed or invalidated for having done so). More blame is added on if substances were involved with self-berating inner statements. What started out as a very unfortunate event often turns into an inner narrative of self-blame and an unnamable experience of shame. It is insensitive to question why people did not bring voice to their sexual assault experiences earlier.

Social psychologists refer to Self-Discrepancy Theory as a form of social cognition that seeks to make sense out of behavior that is contradictory to one’s own self-guidance, resulting in inner emotional conflict and sometimes in behavior that reduces the dissonance and thus perpetuates violence against the self. When one blames oneself for having been violated, one can lose connection with a spiritual anchor and live without self-compassion and authenticity, resulting in more and more emotional conflict and sometimes in behavior that reduces the dissonance and thus perpetuates going against one’s true nature. It can take years for people to actually realize what is occurring.

There are so many anecdotal stories from the entertainment industry that contribute to such feelings of loss of hope, low self-worth, and trust gone awry. Just one example: a young woman, working to help support her family financially, who does not have a car or enough money for a cab is dropped off by a friend to an audition and invited to dinner with a promise of a ride home only to find herself drugged and trapped with a man all night in his home 150 miles from where she lives. People have described a sort of hidden sub-culture where the premeditated ploy is to invite young hopefuls to read for a part or to talk about being mentored and then drug the individual for the purposes of sex. This kind of behavior sounds rather unbelievable, but it does happen, more than we would like to believe. It beckons the question of what may have led to this movement away from grace, as we know that although there is no excuse for egregious acts, those who traumatize others have often been traumatized themselves. Given the ubiquity of these incidents, and the stereotypes conjured up, it makes sense to  and to reflect deeply in order to understand  the causes, repercussions and trickle-down effects of sexual violence in a sociopolitical and intergenerational context, but without EVER condoning acts of harm toward others.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sending love to all on Valentine’s Day!

video of ocean dec 31

May the warm winds and heaven

Blow softly upon your house.

May the great spirit bless

All who enter there.

May your moccasins make

Happy tracks in many snows.

And may the rainbow

Always touch your shoulder.

 

(Cherokee Prayer)

I recently posted this proposed Forgiveness Ritual on a site for a group I am involved in at interspiritualwisdom.org, as it was requested of us to contribute something utilizing Ed Bastian’s conceptualizations around interspiritual meditation, ritual,  and/or other practices. I thought I would post it here as well. Enjoy!

A Proposed Interspiritual Ritual for Working with the Forgiveness Process       

In order to find our way through forgiveness, we must look to our inner world and engage with its multifaceted and colourful landscape and we must connect deeply with our spiritual core. Buddhist scholar and interspiritual educator, Ed Bastian, has developed a way to explore our particular styles of approaching our relationship to spirituality along with a seven-stage meditative process that serves to deepen “the wise and compassionate practices of all traditions and the profound unity within our diversity” within ourselves and in relationship with others. The Interspiritual Meditation and Mandala of spiritual styles/approaches that he has been working with for many years has assisted a great number of people with coming to terms with how they have experienced similarities and differences with their family-of-origin traditions in comparison with their own unique way of engaging with the sacred.

Bastian’s 12 styles include, but are certainly not limited to, the following: the way of the artist, the kinesthete, the devotee, the dreamer, the lover, the meditator, the mystic, the naturalist, the prayer, the thinker, the mensch (relationships), and the sage. The 7 stages of interspiritual meditation are: Motivation, gratitude, transformation, intention, mindfulness, meditation, and dedication (Bastian, 2014: 2010). For further detail on Bastian’s styles and stages, please see his book entitled Interspiritual Meditation: A Seven-Step Process from the World’s Spiritual Traditions and/or visit http://spiritualpaths.net/mandala/overview/harnessing-balancing-our-styles/

As a participant in Bastian’s training for spiritual mentoring, I am exploring ways that I have found meaning in my spiritual healing work with myself and others. In the context of forgiveness, I have often appreciated the inclusion of some kind of ritual to mark the beginning, middle, and end of a particular phase of life-story.  Sacred ritual can be explored as an organized process that beckons and brackets transpersonal experience in a temporal container that often includes meditation, silence, contemplation, music, image, movement, objects, scents, words, and all of the natural elements. The power of ritual is often amplified by joining with others in groups with a common purpose/intention.

Our use of either material objects or mind objects in ritual can be likened to an orchestra, where the conductor’s movements guide the different instruments into a beautiful integration of sound, the final symphony of music being the sum of all of the orchestra’s working parts. That is how spiritual development moves into an integrated and wise maturity. The parts of ourselves intermingle in an engaging mosaic of recognition, acceptance, and grace, and awaken to the newly emerging moment. By actively engaging with these different parts of ourselves and doing so within the context of open spiritual inquiry, we begin to trust that we are not confined to only one way of knowing. We gain confidence in walking in the world purposefully and sharing the gifts of our own unique music.

Working with this proposed interspiritual ritual is a way to invite the parts of the self to converse in open and courageous dialogue. Shadow parts, less developed parts, and wise, enlightened parts converse together and address either a pressing momentary conflict around forgiveness of another or self-forgiveness or an ongoing life issue or question of meaning.

This ritual has three elements, 1) a Lamentation or letting go of something, 2) Descent for discovery though meditation and imagination, and 3) an Emergence involving some kind of statement or mantra that marks what is being renewed, integrated.

You may envision your own colors or sounds with each phase, if you are so inspired. Alternately, you may wish to imagine black for lamentation (or letting go of what is not working in life anymore and grieving for the sacrifice), red to illuminate the active imagination/creative descent process, and golden yellow mixed with white light for the emergence mantra.

You may choose to meet with a small group of friends once a week to support each other through your process. You could create a circle of care and safety as one person at a time goes through their lamentation, active imagination descent, and emergence mantra, and you may choose to help each other create, recite, and explore associations to the objects. There are many ways of adapting this ritual to different contexts.

I will mention that I have borrowed some passages and elements in this piece directly from my book, Imagine Forgiveness: A Guide for Creating a Joyful Future. However, I will address elements of the interspiritual work by adding in explicit references to Bastian’s proposed 7 stages along the spiral of the ritual by putting the words for stages in bold print next to particular aspects of the ritual. The 12 styles are important to consider as well. However, for the purposes of this piece, my emphasis is on the 7 stages and to propose how the processes/phases of the ritual may correspond to these stages.

 

Setting the Path

Before you begin any ritual, it is important to set an intention and ground yourself in what is motivating you to engage in this process. In addition, begin each spiritual practice with gratitude. Thus, you are beginning your ritual with Bastian’s first two proposed stages of interspiritual practice, which are Motivation: “May I Become Healthy and Happy” and Gratitude: “May I Be Grateful to Life’s Many Gifts”. These may be stated out loud or quietly contemplated as you pause to open to the sanctuary of your heart.

Phase One: Lamentation: Letting Go

Lamentation allows you to acknowledge your grief and suffering before you even begin to consider forgiveness. A lament creates a metaphor for the destruction of desire to hold onto blame. We watch the old, hard, broken ways crumble, in preparation for opening the door to forgiveness. In this way, the lamentation or letting go of something is inviting Transformation: “May I be Awake and Transformed”.

Many traditions have had references to lamentations, often “songs of wailing” in which a god, goddess, prophet or prophetess mourns over the destruction of a city, of a place that cannot be lived in any longer in its desolated state. It must be left behind.   One lamentation that particularly struck me when I read it years ago was Ningal’s lamentation of the destruction of Ur in Sumeria. I found it in a book about Mesopotamian religion by Thorkild Jacobson and it haunted me. The full lamentation is long and mournful. This is a brief excerpt:

Though I was trembling for that day of storm,

that day of storm, destined for me,

laid upon me heavy with tears,

that cruel day of storm destined for me—

I could not flee before that night’s fatality.

And of a sudden I espied no happy days within my reign,

no happy day within my reign.

 

Though I would tremble for that night,

that night of cruel weeping destined for me,

I could not flee before that night’s fatality…

 

Rather than turning away from the pain (hoping for oblivion), trying to gloss over it, trivializing it, intellectualizing it away, attaching and grasping at it, or denying it, you can allow the pain to lead you to your heart. If you do, you will find that which holds you, when everything else feels like it may be falling apart. Thus, it is crucial that entering into any process of transformation be done with a clear intention of love. Here, we call upon the fourth stage of interspiritual practice, which is Intention: “May I Be Loving and Compassionate.”

The Spanish Saint and poet, St. John of the Cross, was well known for speaking about the suffering during the dark night of the soul, the period of time when it feels like the path is blocked. That blocked passageway is the dark night, the time of depression, despair, remorse, uncertainty, non- forgiveness. You may wish to read some of his work as your lamentation. Some of the words of one of his pieces is the following:

…

This eternal spring is hidden

In this living bread for our life’s sake,

Although it is night.

 

It is here calling out to creatures;

And they satisfy their thirst, although in darkness,

Because it is night.

 

This living spring that I long for,

I see in this bread of life,

Although it is night.

 

Facing uncertainty and pain requires “breathing through it” in a mindful way without getting lost in it and without running away from it. Thus, the fifth stage of interspiritual work supports us in “leaning into” our suffering piece and builds upon why we entered into the ritual in the first place (motivation, gratitude, transformation, intention) and how we may stay with it with Mindfulness: “May I Be Centered and Mindful through Breathing.” This intention toward attunement with our breath also assists us with staying present to our bodily sensations along with the feelings that emerge around releasing from an old story.

Be sure to keep a journal. Some people find that their experience is much richer if they actually write their own lamentation, for each person knows the depth of their pain, anger, and the particular persons or circumstances that one is attempting to forgive.  It just depends on the unique state and condition of each individual. For some people, it may not involve words. It may be more like a sound, like a wail, for instance. For others, it may be movement of the body in a certain way. Whatever it is, bring attention to framing your experience in some way so as to personally witness it and/or have it witnessed by at least one other person.

Descent: Discovery through Meditation and Imagination

Begin the work, the ‘descent’ phase, by meditating in silence for stage six of interspiritual practice, which is Meditation: “May I Become Wise through Meditation.” For the ritual, you will invite imagery or the imaginal into your personal spiritual work/practice.

You may wish to gather some objects ahead of time and place them in a box or basket or that you find by walking around your home and/or in nature. A ritual of forgiveness that includes interspiritual processes taps into the same resources as our dreams, to that which has been referred to as non-local consciousness. I would say that the practice of ritual around dreams and symbols, along with Metta meditation and supportive individuals, have been life savers for many, including myself.

Jung said “Imaginatio is the active evocation of (inner) images secondum naturam, an authentic feat of thought or ideation, which does not spin aimless and groundless fantasies ‘into the blue’—does not, that is to say, just play with its objects, but tries to grasp the inner facts and portray them in images true to their nature. This activity is an opus, a work.”

In shamanic practices, there is a divination ritual where one turns a rock over in one’s hands, then places it in front of oneself, asking a question and looking to the crevices, shadows, and edges of the stone for metaphorical answers to these questions and concerns. It is very similar to Jungian sand tray work or discovering associations to your dreams. The images and symbols and their placement are not seen as objects dissociated from you, but as indicators of exactly what is occurring in your innermost psyche at any given time.  At a certain point in this ‘descent’ phase of the ritual, you will close your eyes and holding an object, ask this question: “What do I need to know about this forgiveness process right now?” You may be more specific with your questions as well.

For instance, if one were to close their eyes and reach into their box or basket of objects that they had gathered, or their “forgiveness box,” and then feel the object in their hand for a moment before opening their eyes, they would notice the sensations in their body as they touch the object.

Let’s say that the individual has pulled out a small candle. She might then hold the candle in her hand and roll it around, feeling the smoothness and the cylindrical shape. She might make associations that, in the present moment, she can hold all that was the past, it is part of her life and there’s no need or reason for her to deny it. Yet in the rolling of her fingers and feeling its smoothness, she can associate movement and cycles of life. She can cherish the idea that the only certainty in life is change. As she looks at the unlit candle, her associations might be about how the light in her own life may have been dulled when not in a forgiving stance, a bit like Persephone, deep in the dark earth before she integrated this experience, or Sisyphus struggling with each step,
feeling the drudgery, thinking, “What’s the use? I’ll never get out of this feeling no matter what I do.” She might remember all the blaming and criticism, particularly toward herself. She might then reflect on the metaphor of lighting the candle.

Later, if she decided to continue with her associations to the candle — or discover that she had chosen the candle another day — she might light the candle and explore her associations to the flame, to the sound of the flame being lit, to the color or scent of the candle, to the heat of the candle, to the way the wax is melting or to the way the flame dances before her eyes. She may put her hand to her heart and cherish the flame that is present at its core, the energy and soft drumming of the pulse of a life that has withstood much and that chooses to love because she can.

Cultural, religious, or mythological images may enter the imagination, such Kwan Yin, or a dragon, or the Aztec Quetzacoatl, the phoenix rising from the ashes, or Mercerius, the great messenger. These connections could indicate that she is both including and transcending the past. She knows that this is a process that moves in a spiral, not a linear progression, so it is okay if she has dips along the way. The association gives her insight, makes her grant herself more space and patience, knowing that each time she comes up again into the clear air, she grows a little bit more aware of what her relationship to forgiveness is by having her interaction with these objects amplify and shift her story. She has made some gentle or even cathartic discoveries during the ‘descent’ phase of the ritual, aided by an interactive process with matter and imagination. She acknowledges her motivation to do this work with gratitude that she may focus on transforming her pain with an intention on mindfulness through meditation and how by moving through this process of forgiveness she benefits all beings in the service of love and wisdom. She opens to the next phase of the ritual with all of this in mind and heart.

 

Emergence: Statement or Mantra for Renewal

When one begins to open to the process of forgiveness, something intriguing often occurs. One may notice that they have begun to embrace a forgiveness worldview. This is a true gift to the service of all life, for it is wise and generative. Our motivation and intention for a compassionate way of being impacts all of our relationships and has ripple effects across the globe.  An explicit statement made to mark an intention for transformation through forgiveness sets the path in motion for the next evolutionary phase in one’s development, a more developmentally complex and integrated self which translates to other interrelated systems. A recent neuroscientific study from the University of Pisa concluded that the capacity to imagine amplifies the ability to forgive in that it demonstrates an expansion of empathy and perception. The ritual process proposed here serves to invite the imaginal into spiritual practice and to expand perception and consciousness into the larger Self, large enough to include all others in its loving-kindness.

The seventh stage of Bastian’s interspiritual practice/meditation that is honoured in this ‘emergent’ phase of the ritual is Dedication: “May I Serve Others with Love, Compassion, and Wisdom.”  There are so many beautiful mantras from spiritual traditions around the world that compliment this emergent phase of the interspiritual ritual. It doesn’t matter what spiritual tradition we emerge from. We all initially come from the indigenous practices of the earth and we all want to love and be loved. We can find examples in the traditions of the Sufi, Muslim, Buddhist, Jewish or Kabbalah, Christian/Catholic/Gnostic, Hindu, Eskimo Kalaalit, Navaho, Chumash and countless others. The language of the mantra is less important than its meaning and appeal to you, personally. In fact, chanting in an unfamiliar language can add a lyrical quality to the experience that may be lost in a language you use colloquially every day. Writing your own poem/mantra may be what you choose to do.

Loving-kindness meditation often includes phrases such as: May all beings be peaceful, have ease, be safe, healthy in body, mind, and spirit, free from suffering and the cause of suffering, and be happy. I have witnessed profound shifts in a room when people meditate with this intention together.

 

Forgiveness is typically not an immediate process. It generally takes quite some time. One of my favorite poems by Juan Ramon Jimenez, called Oceans, speaks to how subtle this process can be:

“ I have a feeling that my boat

has struck, down there in the depths,

against a great thing.

                                      And nothing

Happens! Nothing …Silence …Waves …

Nothing happens? Or has everything happened,

and are we standing now, quietly, in the new life?

In terms of how you invite and anchor your statement/mantra, your own particular spiritual “style” will come into play here. It may be the way of the artist, the kinesthete, the devotee, the dreamer, the lover, the meditator, the mystic, the naturalist, the prayer, the thinker, the mensch (relationships), and the sage. You will feel your way into furthering this ritual by reading profound philosophical passages (thinker), going into nature (naturalist), praying (prayer), intimately relating with others (mensch) or any number of styles/ways or combination of ways that are uniquely your own.

This ritual ceremony is about having a direct personal experience with symbolic value to you, which then serves as a portal to the formless ground of all being. By entering into this process with compassion and non-judgment, your heart begins to release it shackles and expand into the limitless heart, mind, and breath that breathes us all. You’re the one who sees and knows, who sees into your heart. The feeling of forgiveness abides within you.

The depth that you drop down to is the deep well of feeling in all of us, the part that feels “down there in the depths.”  I invite you to reflect on a piece from that wonderful poet and storyteller Clarissa Pinkola Estes. It is from her book Women Who Run with the Wolves. Although she uses the word “woman,” I experience the word as that deep feminine feeling part of every being, regardless of what your identified gender is.

“Each woman has potential access to Rio Abajo Rio, this river beneath the river. She arrives there through deep meditation, dance, writing, painting, prayermaking, singing drumming, active imagination, or any activity which requires an intense altered consciousness. A woman arrives in this world-between worlds through yearning and by seeking something she can see just out of the corner of her eye. She arrives there by deeply creative acts, through intentional solitude, and by practice of any of the arts. And even with these well-crafted practices, much of what occurs in this ineffable world remains forever mysterious to us, for it breaks physical laws as we know them.” (p.30)

Addendum:

I liken the three elements of the ritual to the three “bardo” phases in The Tibetan Book of the Dead in which a dying person passes as they move through death and back into rebirth, because this metaphor serves the process of discovery and emergence so well.

The first bardo, the “Chikai” bardo, is the consciousness that is present at the time of death. The second bardo, the “Chonyi” bardo is one that involves the type of consciousness that we could equate with the dream-state, and the third bardo, the “sipai” bardo is said to be the consciousness at the time of rebirth.

I believe this is a rich metaphor for the process of forgiveness, in that there is a time of lamentation, letting go or even destruction of the part that held on to the pain, a dropping down into the inner world of feelings and associations as one builds a foundation for a re-entry, and a new chapter that includes the consciousness of forgiveness.

Each part is necessary to the whole experience of forgiveness. Even as we discard the old body, as it were, (the old way of experiencing the wound and the world—non-forgiveness), we include the wound as part of the gestalt, as part of our rich experience of the background to a new life, a new way of seeing ourselves and those around us. The wound is then just a part of our story and not the entire picture of who we are.

The night after I wrote the chapter on ritual in my book, Imagine Forgiveness, I dreamt that I was walking somewhere along the banks of a river with stone platforms for spectators and activities along the river, somewhat like parts of the Ganges river in
India. Fishing poles were left hanging over the river, not being used. As I stood, I saw a platform coming out over the river, covered with beautiful pink blush rose petals, in a carpet so thick it was more like a mattress.

Birds had been gathering these rose petals and placing them on the platform. Some people were involved in this process as well, I believe. The platform of rose petals was being prepared in readiness for the descending of the Buddha.

There was a little eager boy on the banks of the Ganges. I shared his eagerness and joy at witnessing this unexpected and beautiful event.  A bit later in the dream, my husband, James, and I were standing on either side of a small fountain. There was a dove walking around in circles in the water. I reached out and stroked the dove gently as it circled around.

It did not escape me, as I recorded this dream in my journal, that doves with olive branches are classic symbols of forgiveness, as is the rose. I have had some forgiving to do over the years. This dream seemed to validate my process in both self-forgiveness and forgiveness of another. The rose, Buddha image (awareness, awakeness), and dove speak to this process. It felt that the dream also validated my writing the chapter on ritual as yet another part of my own process of descent and emergence.

When I woke up, the morning after that dream, I opened a book that my husband’s daughter, Sarah, gave me. On the page was a saying by Arnaud de Jardins,

You cannot live sheltered forever without ever being exposed and at the same time be as virtual adventurers. Be audacious. Be crazy in your own way. With that madness in the eyes of man that is wisdom in the eyes of god, take risks. Search and search again. Search everywhere and everyway.

 

I hope that you will feel moved and changed by your ritual of forgiveness and by how your own unique relationship to the symbolic world is shaped and illuminated by our shared psyche as a species. I never cease to be amazed at how palpable that message from Carl Jung was for me when I read his words which suggested that when you turn your face toward the collective unconscious, its vast resources turn and reflect gifts and metaphorical messages back towards you.
I feel much gratitude to Ed Bastian for providing this framework for the exploration of interspiritual guidance and practice. Thank you, Ed! Gratitude for our gathering group as well.

 

           

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tags: Interspiritual

Blessings to you on this day of gratitude!

Forgiveness during the Holidays

This morning I had the good fortune of being a guest on Dr. Leon Dickerson’s radio show called Mental Health for Better Living on WHCR-90.3FM in New York (9 to 9:30am EST). The radio show focuses on family life, spiritual life, and the community and we spoke about forgiveness and its importance, particularly during the holiday season when family gathers and stress is often nearing a threshold of tolerance.

We only had a brief time together to discuss this important topic, so here are a few more thoughts about forgiveness to keep in mind as we enter the holiday season:

Why forgive?

Forgiveness is our birthright. It is our remembrance. Forgiveness expands our perception and heals our relationship with ourselves and others. When we come to the place of wishing to seek forgiveness, we seek that which we already are. This is the paradoxical nature of forgiveness. Our intense desire to be that which we already are can thwart our recognition that we already are that which we seek to be. I reflect back to a discussion about the essence of love  in the well known pages of Plato’s Symposium, where Socrates, having been counseled by the Oracle of Delphi, relates “You mean only that you want to have in the future what you have now.” The same can be said about forgiveness. If you rest for a moment in your heart and begin to feel a wish for forgiveness stirring, notice an emergent quality. There is no need to try to change anything or force something that is not quite ready to be pulled off the fire, but by simply accepting exactly where you are right now and leaning in with curiosity and compassion as you would with a small child in need, this intentional movement begins to create your own unique spiral pathway toward a forgiving stance. The energy of intentionality and the power of imagination cannot be overestimated. We can guide ourselves to include the past while transcending it.

Who does forgiveness benefit?

When even one person experiences forgiveness, all being are benefited energetically. Tangible benefits can be experienced consciously in the one who forgives. As one makes the often difficult, yet profound shifts toward forgiveness, one progresses toward a more complex and integrated developmental level that allows for a greater capacity for empathy, compassion, emotional regulation, mindfulness, immune function, and overall health.

A new study that came out in December 2013 in Frontiers of Neuroscience by Ricciadi et al. from the University of Pisa, tells us that the capacity to imagine is linked to the capacity to forgive, in the more we can use our imagination, the more we can step out of concrete, overly subjective references and we can expand perception and feelings to include others and to do so in an objective way. By being able to blend the subjective and objective, we can get out of the way of grasping at our own need to be right with a fixed story and we can open to what may be newly emerging right here, right now, in this body, in this moment. We can imagine what it might be like to be the other. Indeed, it has been shown that there are increases in frontal lobe activity to make room for pause and reflection/reasoning and there is more heart rate coherency and lowering of blood pressure with forgiveness. When these types of changes occur, it is easier to drop down into the feeling function and not feel completely overwhelmed by strong affect.

Try a little experiment here: Clench your fists and tighten your face into a scowl, raise your shoulders, tighten your abdomen, and hold your breath for a moment. Just stay there and notice the rigidity, the tension in your body and how it affects your heart center. Now release, exhale, shake everything out, and see what happens to your overall sense of well-being. (Without reducing forgiveness down to simply this small gesture, the gesture/exercise does provide a brief preview of what a lack of forgiveness versus what an embodied forgiving, compassionate stance can do to your relationship to yourself and others.)

Rumi said “There is a way of breathing that’s a shame and a suffocation. And there’s another way of expiring a love breath, that lets you open infinitely.” (p. 40, The Illuminated Rumi)

Why is it particularly important to consider forgiveness during the holidays when families gather together?

We can learn much from affective neuroscience and polyvagal theory, somatic psychology, our own relationship to spirituality, and existential/depth perspectives when it comes to the trauma around events that prompt a consideration of forgiveness. Trauma is on a continuum and we often think of trauma only in the context of cataclysmic events, car accidents, profound poverty and famine, medical emergencies and such.  Rape, molestation, high-conflict divorce, domestic violence, physical abuse, holocaust situations, and political/religious/military combat have been spoken about as some of the worst human moral wounding that can take place between individuals, families, cultures, and groups.  These are interpersonal traumas at their most profound, often taking on mythological proportions. However, we can forget about the seemingly small emotional woundings that can build up over time and that feeling dismissed or  invalidated by even one family member is a form of trauma, particularly if that person was/is in a caregiver role and was/is sought as a reflection back that we were/are loved and good enough just the way we were/are. This is also trauma of an interpersonal nature. There is an emotional wounding that is often invisible to the outside world, however, and it has a sneaky way of permeating thoughts, feelings, sensations, and memories. The late archetypal psychologist, James Hillman, spoke about forgiveness in the context of betrayal and made this wise statement “We are led to an essential truth about both trust and betrayal; they contain each other.” Our sufferings provide an opportunity for a re-consideration of meaning in the larger picture of a more expansive Self.

When families and old friends gather and stress is high already from traveling long distances, considerations of finances and gift giving, negotiating the who, what, where and when of a meeting place and such, it is easy for old emotional patterns to emerge, for unresolved resentments to surface, for small gestures or words to be taken as monumental injustices. Even if the gathering is joyful, one can feel overstimulated or experience self-punishing thoughts for not having more energy or not being able to contribute more.

These times give us opportunity to pause, to take a breath, to maybe take a walk for some fresh air, to find a place of inner sanctuary, to call upon spiritual role models and tried and true practices that foster self-compassion and compassion for others while also feeling strong and safe. It is all too easy to overindulge in the food and alcohol that flows endlessly during the holidays, to give in to nasty, sarcastic comments and silent sulks, and all other forms of going unconscious, as authentically being present to what it is that we truly hope for in our relationships gets pushed under the table, only showing up in the guise of blame and shame. Alternately, it can be a time of deep care and the expression of genuine love, appreciating the ancestors who cannot be with us in form, and the bittersweet remembrances of days past, the beauty of connection and presence, the hopes and commitments of future relationships and endeavors, and clarity of spiritual purpose.

Whether or not the opportunity for forgiveness is pressing, I offer the following phrases from age-old lovingkindness practices for you to say silently or out loud, starting with yourself:

May you be peaceful, healthy in body, mind, and spirit, happy and free from the cause of suffering, be safe, and may you have ease during this holiday season. May you remember your true nature and bring to mind, through the vast resource of your imagination, your larger Self and any spiritual role models who may join you by your side as you gracefully walk with gratitude into these celebrations of thanks, rebirth, and yearly renewal.

Forgiveness takes a courageous and steady effort, so there is no room for self-judgment. The greatest message we can all give ourselves for the holiday season and beyond is to pause, come back to our deep belly and heart breath, feeling our chest expand, our feet on the ground, our connection to what is most meaningful to us in our relationship to our own spirituality, pay attention to our dreams and to our own shadow material that we may be either projecting on to others and/or judging ourselves harshly for, take time in nature and recognize that we share a great mystery together, engage in rituals with art, writing, song, creativity, and see each other as not polarized beings, but in all our multifaceted/kaleidoscopic nature, recognizing the divine in all. This is not to say that it is always easy to come to this stance, just that it is a worthy endeavor to both accept exactly where we are right here, right now, while making the effort to engage in a compassionate and relational way, knowing that we are all  “in this together” on this fragile and ultimately unpredictable planet called Earth.

Here are a few resources to prime mindful reflection for the holidays:

The Greater Good Science Center        www.greatergood.berkeley.edu/

Spiritual Paths Foundation                 www.spiritual-path.com/     (I will follow up with a proposed forgiveness ritual in this context)

In Santa Barbara area:

PGI Public Programs                              www.pacifica. edu

La Casa de Maria Retreat Center        www.lacasademaria.org

For imagery practitioners in healthcare to work with:

Imagery International                         www.imageryinternational.org

For mindfulness meditation support online:

The Mindfulness App

Insight Timer App

 

These are but a few resources for now.

Remember, one might say that forgiveness is a state of inner wisdom that deeply acknowledges that all of humanity, both oneself and other, suffer through desire. Thus, forgiveness resides in a calmness of mind that has come about from the relinquishment (not repression or denial) of the personal desire for punishment. Forgiveness involves a renewed contact with one’s core being, which brings about an attitude of love and respect for the dignity of all beings, including the offender and the self. It is about being a “free” agent, one who can experience the depth of suffering without attachment to such, and look with curiosity and compassion to oneself and others. I use the term “inner state of wisdom” to incorporate the view that wisdom is essentially the culmination of the integration of intelligence and creativity. Heart intelligence. One must use one’s feeling, thinking, imagination, body and heart to facilitate this integration, and to be able to have empathy and understanding.

Forgiveness is spiritual intelligence.

We are all in this together. Every one of us has either prompted the opportunity for forgiveness through a wrong doing, has hoped to receive forgiveness, to have accepted a gesture of forgiveness from another, struggled (or not) with the decision and choice to forgive, or offered this great gift.

Blessings for the Holiday Season!!

 Juliet

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tags: Family, Forgiveness, Holidays

 

 

Please come to a reception called Mirrors of the Mind: The Psychotherapist as Artist on November 1, 2014 in Los Angeles.

 

     You are

Cordially invited

       To attend

 

Mirrors of the Mind 3:

The Psychotherapist

       As Artist

November 1-November 8, 2014

 

A juried exhibition of visual arts created by                   

                                                                                          psychologists, psychotherapists and students

 

This event is sponsored by Los Angeles County Psychological Association’s

 Community Outreach Committee

 

     November 1, 2014: Exhibit Opens

         Art Share LA, 801 E. 4^th Place, Los Angeles, CA 90013

                                              AMPLE PARKING ACROSS FROM THE GALLERY

                            

            Opening Reception, 5 to 9:30 p.m.

                                Poetry Reading, 5:30 to 6:30 pm

 

Entrance Fee $10, $5 for students & LACPA members

         Live Original Music, Dance & Surprise Events during the Evening

                                                 Light Refreshments

                                         Art Silent Auction

Art Share LA provides a No-Host Bar

 

                       For additional gallery hours, visit the LACPA website: www.lapsych.org 

 

           SPONSORSHIPS AVAILABLE, www.lapsych.org

 

                JURORS: Robert Bilder, PhD, James Catterall, PhD, Rebecca Catterall, Gus Harper

 

                   CURATOR: Terry Marks-Tarlow, PhD, Community Outreach Committee Co-Chair

ASSISTANT CURATOR:  Pamela McCroy, PhD, Community Outreach Committee Co-Chair

            QUESTIONS: Contact Terry Marks-Tarlow, PhD, markstarlow@hotmail.com

My piece is entitled Bodhisattva John. it is in honor of my brain-injured brother, John, who has been my greatest teacher throughout my life. Forgive my photograph of the piece. It is cut off a bit, just in the middle of the eye at the top.